Ladies and Gentleman.

Last year, Scotlend decided to ditch their old slogan, "Best Small Country in the World" for a new, catchier Generation X slogan.

$250,000 and many focus groups later, Scotland unveiled their new slogan. "Welcome to Scotland." Amazing. Maybe they should have hired Crooked Monkey to write their slogan.

Here's what we would've suggested.
1)Scotland "Brave Hearts, Courageous Souls"
2)Scotland "No, William Wallace will not accompany your booze cruise"
3)Scotland "We shoot Fireballs from our eyes, and bolts of lightning from our arses"
4)Scotland "Best Small Country in the World at producing bad slogans"

Email your slogan to themonkey at crookedmonkey.com. All entrants will receive a 35% discount on all your shirts! (Don't forget to use the @ symbol). That discount code will save you a ton on holiday gifts

Labels: Contests, Promo Code, Rants

Today, as I was walking down Campus Drive, I realized what was missing from my life. I need a companion, a sidekick… something to love unconditionally, something to care for, something to feed live mice to. So I bought a snake. I named him Merv. The pet store owner said he shouldn’t grow to be longer than fourteen inches, so I still got that snake beat.

Now, you may be thinking to yourself, “A snake? In a dorm room? That’s ridiculous” But I’m thinking, “A snake? In a dorm room? Why didn’t I do this sooner?” And as for the ladies, I know they’ll love Merv…after all, they’ve been pretty satisfied with the other snakes that they’ve encountered in my room.

Labels: Dorm stories

I'm proud to report that monkeys in India have begun their scheduled revolt against humans.

In an article entitled, "Thieving monkeys out of control in northeast India", a legislator was quoted as saying, "Monkeys are wreaking havoc in my constituency by taking away mobile phones, toothpastes, sipping coke after opening the refrigerators," Hiren Das told Assam state's assembly. See the full article.

Way to go, fellow-monkeys. We'll be bringing up the anchor.

Labels: Articles

I'm sick and tired of scientists using monkeys as guinea pigs. I think they should use guinea pigs as guinea pigs.

Anyways, heres an excerpt from a new study that shows that monkeys have feelings too...

"In the game, each of a pair of monkeys would hand a small granite rock to a human in exchange for a reward, either a cucumber slice or the more preferable grape.
When both monkeys received cucumber rewards, all was fine in primate land. But when one monkey handed over the granite stone and landed a grape, while monkey number two got a cucumber, madness ensued. " Read the Full Article

Well, wha'd you expect? If I gave you a Polo t-shirt, and your friend a Crooked Monkey t-shirt you'd obviously be pissed.

Labels: Articles, Rants

Now, dont get me wrong. Im here to learn. But Stat 101 at 9 AM? Youve got to be kidding me. I rolled out of bed, head pounding, thinking of all the ways I was going to kill my Advisor. Once I got there, I grabbed a seat in the back, looked up, and there she was. Who is that? Was this Statistics or a Maxim Casting Call? She was perfect. And when the professor introduced the goddess as his TA, I couldnt believe my luck. I get to look at that all semester? Looks like Ill be showing up on time. And staying after class for extra help. I might even change my major to accounting…

Check out the shirt that inspired this Blog

Don't forget, when the monkey writes about a shirt, that shirt goes on sale for a week. Enjoy!

Labels: Dorm stories, Slogan

I'm all about the Next Big Thing. Which is why I can't get enough of these guys! Joppa's new cd "Capes and Umbrellas" is a brand new sound unlike anything else out there. Check them out!

"Joppa is a delicious neo-funk refreshment that always goes down smooth, never ever rough. It makes your hips shake and your booty tingle. It envelopes your ear drums, shoots you with the fun gun, and dismantles all of your inhibitions. It can turn Tuesday morning into Saturday night. And it always knows how to make things all right. With a couple cool cats and one dirty dog, you just gotta give em' a stage and they'll keep the party going all night long. So welcome to Joppaland, stay as long as you like, and if your soul is bouncing, then the rhythm is right."

www.myspace.com/joppamusic

Labels: New Music

Everyday it seems I meet more and more chill people. Today was great- just kicked back with some of the boys in my room. Towel under the door, fan pointed out the window, febreeze in hand. The RA had no idea. Charged a bunch of bananas to my student meal card, and they were all in my stomach within minutes. I dont think bananas have ever tasted that good before. Ill catch you guys later, Ive got some Bob Marley to listen to.

Check out the guys shirt that inspired this blog post
Check out the girls shirt that inspired this blog post

P.S. Everytime the monkey posts a blog about a t-shirt, that shirt goes on sale for one week! Just another reason why the monkey kicks ass.

Labels: Dorm stories, Slogan